Father of the Year

I’ve been quiet for a number of months now – not for lack of thinking of writing, but I guess there truly is a season for everything.

And I guess it takes something significant to stir the desire to add something to the ever increasing depth of fatherhood blogging.  Something like the recent commentary on true fatherhood with the announcement by the National Father’s Day Council (US) that Bill Clinton has been named “Father of the Year“.

Shocked?  Maybe.  Our memories are not too short to drift back to the days of the early nineties and the drama surrounding Mr. Clinton’s very public private life.  The comments at the end of the politico.com article show this to be true.

Yet looking over the news release put out by Rueters, there is no mention of him as a father other than saying he has one daughter, Chelsey.  Here is what Dan Orwig of the Father’s Day Council says in the news release:

“With the profound generosity, leadership and tireless dedication to both his public office and many philanthropic organizations, president Clinton exemplifies the attributes that we celebrate through the father of the year award.”

These are all good things – strong values that impact our world.  But this says nothing about Mr. Clinton’s relationship with his wife and daughter.  I’m curious why the standards are set outside the home?    Are they saying that the best dads are primarily involved in people’s lives outside of their families?

What are the standards we hold fathers to?

faithfulness to the mother of their child?
being a role-model worthy of their children’s respect?
community service?
church attendance?
reading to their children every night?
being gracious with their leadership of their family?
driving a minivan?

Fatherhood is more than a relationship between a man and his children.  It is a statement to the world that there are good men, and good men are necessary for the future of a just society.  Some would even say that a father’s heart focused on his children keeps peace and blessing in a society.  I believe this to be true.

Are there good men out there?   I believe this also.  They are being the men that this world needs – men who care about truth, have high standards of themselves, expect high standards from people around them, and react with grace when those standards are not met.  The only place that Father of the Year should really matter is within the home of each and every dad, grand-dad, uncle and older brother who is influencing a child.

So despite our recollections of Mr. Clinton’s affairs, we must remember that 20 years have passed.  People do change.  Commitments can be renewed.  Grace can be shown – even to men who make very public and potentially damaging choices. But I can’t help but wonder if the premis under which he has been named Father of the Year doesn’t water down the essence of strong fatherhood.

And so I won’t give in to the urging and swaying and prompting to compromise the standard of what strong fatherhood is.  Those standards are the footprints by which children can find their way.  Those are the standards that I hope you help me reach for.

“How do good men become part of the regime?
They don’t believe in resistance.”
Josh Garrels,
The Resistance,
on Love & War & the Sea In Between

The Cell Phone Controversy

I appreciate the article written by Erin Anderssen of the Globe and Mail.  Cell phones and smartphones are useful tools but their overuse is creating an epidemic of distance, isolation and uninvolvement within family relationships.  We often condemn yesteryear’s dad who came home after work, put his feet up on his favourite ottoman and read the paper or watched TV all evening.   Yet is this not what we do while texting our buddies, checking our email or tweeting what we just ate for dinner?  Maybe things haven’t really changed.  Today’s smartphones have simply replaced the newspaper (except the smartphone is everywhere, not just the living room).  Both are indicative of where our attention is not.

Our kids are watching us text, email, voicemail or tweet our time away and they know we are not focused on them.  Then we complain one day that they are not talking with us.  They will be texting, emailing and Facebooking their life for all to read.  And some may do their best to keep dad and mom from being privy to their posts.  Who is the responsible one here?  We get such precious little time with them (some of us less than others).  Can we not put the phone away, turn it off, or at least mute it when we are home or out with the kids?

What about you?  How do you think our phone-based culture is influencing the family?

Play It Safe . . . and Fun

Fathers and child safety.  Some people wonder if that is an oxymoron.  And with
good reason, I suppose.  I’ve seen videos of dads driving ATVs while pulling their youngsters in a Cozy Coup, jumping off a roof onto a trampoline, and starting a barbq with gasoline.  None of which turned out well.

Last summer we were at a park on Centre Island in Toronto and came across a perfect climbing tree.  I saw it.  My daughters saw it.  And we had to climb it.

Here are some things I learned that day.

1.  Dads want to see their kids challenge themselves.  It fired me up when my kids wanted to tackle that tree.  We get a rush from seeing our kids push their limits – whether it’s riding a bike, climbing a tree, or standing up to the schoolyard bully.

2.  Dads allow their kids to take risks.  Pushing the limits is all about risks.  Its about trying new things out.  In fact, dads tends to not just allow it, but encourage it.  When my girls were in that tree, I wanted to see if they could get just a little higher – to just one more branch.

3.  Dads allow kids to feel frustration.   There are always moments in life when we reach a hurdle – when the next branch feels just a little too far.  My youngest saw a branch she wanted to get to but felt a twinge of panic (as I did watching her).  But she steeled herself and took that step of faith onto it.  Dealing with their frustration and hurdles on their own, and with dad’s careful guidance, leads to better problem solving skills in our kids.

4.  Dads tend to be active with their kids.  And so our own safety is often in jeopardy.  There are many times where dad is the one injured and the kids come home scratch-free.

But the truth is most guys are acutely aware of their child’s safety.  We are thinking about the tightness of the car seat, getting those electric plug covers installed, and adjusting the training wheels to the right height.

But it never hurts to have a quick reminder of our role as a “safety guy”.

Be aware – know where your kids are and know what your kids are doing.  Awareness won’t get rid of accidents, but it will help you react when they are about to happen.

Be close – do things with them.  Keeping close gives you opportunity to intervene if necessary.  Being with them is also just a good thing for your relationship.  They need to know you are interested in them and what they do.

Be trusting – encourage them to try new things.  Let them push those limits and learn about their abilities.  You will see true satisfaction on their faces.

So, to use the tree climbing story, encourage your kids to climb, challenge them to reach new heights, – just be ready to catch them should they slip.

Bieber Fever, and it ain’t pretty

So, Justin Bieber has spoken out to fathers everywhere.

Interesting.

I have three daughters.  None have caught the “fever” – ever.  One of the reasons is that I don’t let it come into the house.  I guess I have inoculated them to the threat. In fact, when his name comes up in conversation or when they hear of how other girls around the world fall at the feet of this icon they usually roll their eyes, shake heads and say something like, “I just don’t get it”.  And I’m good with that.

When I first saw this message from Justin I was confused with my reaction.  Was I offended?  I have no hair (just check out the profile pic to the right).  But did that bother me?  No.  I can give it and take it when it comes to the (lack of) hair jokes.  Was it the sly reference that all 17 year old boys have one thing on their mind, and that I was that way, too?  Justin’s comment waters down what it means to be truly a man – we are more than the one-track mind he suggests here.  I think I was saddened initially.  Justin has a chance to influence a generation with some positive images of masculinity.  Instead, he is trying to influence girls with his own (narrow and immature) view of manhood and in the process giving boys a shallow example of how to treat girls.

But what bothered me most was his assertion that he is the saviour of dads everywhere.  Now we don’t have to bother with guarding our girls from the boys next door, we have the Bieber.  Now we don’t have to talk with them about boundaries or teach them about expectations and respect.  We don’t have to influence their choices in relationships.  This all comes from Justin.

Dads, if we let this be true, then we are killing our daughters.   No one protects my girls like I do.  I am the one who guides them.  I set expectations for them to follow.  I model what it means to be in a relationship with a man.  I show them they are captivating to me – that they have my total attention, care and love.  I will not surrender that role to anyone.  It is my responsibility.  It is my job.

Until I give them away in marriage, if I give my girls any reason whatsoever to look elsewhere for protection and warmth and love, I have failed them.  Straight up.  There is no middle ground.  My job is to keep them safe, from head to toe, from heart to mind.  I will relinquish this to no one.

And I pray you do the same for your girls.

Play is an all-time dad-favourite.

Play is one of the great ways dads connect with their kids.  We can be an entertainer, an observer, or a playmate.  We can get involved with the play, watch what’s happening, or help our kids learn.

Faithful –

Men,

read this story about a soldier killed in battle in 2005.

He clearly left an impact in his world.  And that impact is reflected in how those who knew him best dealt with his death.  Consider what it would take from us as faithful husbands and partners to earn the kind of faithfulness shown by his wife.

The Good Father: Back to the Basics

I’m not pretending to think this is original.  Its more like revisiting something that we all know, yet we can tend to forget if we aren’t reminded from time to time – like that little light in my car that tells me its time to change the oil (now I no longer need to wonder if I’ve gone the requisite 5000 kms before my next oil change).  What we all need reminding of (and I mean fathers, mothers, and anyone else) is what the good father does.

The good father takes responsibility for his family.  Responsibility.  A word we use lots, but what does it mean for fathers?  It means a dad meets his obligations and fulfills his duties.  It means he stays focused on those he has responsibility for.  He is not distracted by people or stuff or work to the extent that his children wonder where and who he is.  He provides for their needs – from the basics (food and a place to live) to the complicated (handling rejection from a best friend).  He gets involved in the things that matter to his children.  He knows his children’s friends.  He is aware of what is happening in their lives.  He has their best interest in his mind.

The good father creates stories with his children.  Life is meant to be lived and to be lived together.  Kids love the stories than come from life – stories they can learn from and share with others.  Stories that connect them to their father.  The father tells his children stories, but also uses life as a story to be written together.  Parts will be sad.  Parts will be mundane.  Some parts will be down right hilarious.  But when the parts are put together, memories, values, and character are all formed through life’s stories.  They give a child the sense of being part of something greater than themselves.

The good father is not afraid to interfere in his children’s lives.  There will be times when a father will see his child making a poor choice, like yelling at his sister, throwing rocks at a dog, or dumping the mashed peas on the floor.  Fear will keep him from stepping in and changing the child’s decision.  Fear of losing a friendship with the child.  Fear of being too harsh or controlling.  Fear of making a mistake.  The good father steps in in spite of fear because it is what is best for his child.

The good father teaches his children things that really matter.  And the things that matter most are: loving mom and treating others with dignity (great care).  If these two things are modeled and taught before a child, they will have what they need to navigate their futures.

And the result: TRUST  (ahh, my favourite word!)  Children are longing for a guy in their lives who they can trust.

Dad – keep it simple.  Be that guy.  Be the good father.