Fathering is Not a Popularity Contest

I love Calvin and Hobbes.  Mr. Watterson gets the 6 year old mind better than most child psychologists.  I am sure there are times in most of our fathering lives where we are not the most popular person in their eyes.  We make decisions they disapprove of.  We expect them to eat the brusselsprouts they just can’t stand.  We take their sister’s side of the argument.  But fathering is not a popularity contest.  It is a life-long commitment to what is best for your child.

Does it matter to you, what your approval rating is?

If we are looking for our kid’s approval we are going to make some very key mistakes.

• We will cave in on boundaries we have set.  And when we do this, children will eventually learn that enough tugging on the leg or whining for the cookie will get what they want.
• We will feel overwhelmed and frustrated with their demands.  And if this is how we feel, we can start to see their behaviour as attempts to manipulate us.
• We may lose control of our temper.  I suppose we all have a threshold of what we can handle.  If we are not aware of that threshold, we may do something that we will regret.
• We will be more friend than father.   Friends focus on how much someone likes them.  They do things for each other so that they continue to be friends.  Fathers treat their children with dignity and respect regardless of how the child feels.  This is love: sticking by someone for their own good, regardless of what they may do or say.  Friends may come and go.  Children need a father who will be there for life.

Kids may not like the boundaries we are setting, but it is not important that they like what we are expecting from them.  It is most important that they learn that dad has their best interest at heart when the boundary is set.  And how do we do that?

• Dads need to be respectful in the way limits are set (not demanding, coercive, or manipulating).
• Dads need to have consistency.  Though we need to be flexible and adapt to our changing children, children need their dad to keep the rules, expectations, and consequences relatively the same.
• Dads need to give clear guidelines.  No guess-work for the kids.  They need to know what to expect.

So how popular are you with your kids?  For the most part, probably pretty popular.  Just remember that there will be times (some short, some long) where you may not be that popular – where your popularity may be slipping in the polls.  My suggestion:  take a good hard look at what your child is not happy about.  Does he have a point?  Is there any truth to her feelings about you?  If so, make some adjustments.  But be as consistent as you can.  It is good for your kids, and it’s good for you.

And if I remember, I’ll share the story about the playground sometime.