Little Words of Wisdom

Human Relations — author unknown

• The six most important words: “I admit I made a mistake.”
• The five most important words: “You did a good job.”
• The four most important words: “What is your opinion.”
• The three most important words: “If you please.”
• The two most important words: “Thank you,”
• The one most important word: “We”
• The least important word: “I”

Imagine if our kids heard these from us on a regular basis.  I think the difference would be profound.

Clarity to the Confusion

I must admit that in the years I’ve been tracking the development of fatherhood I have been confused by something that I’ve not been able to put my finger on . . . until now.  First, my confusion: there seems to be a growing sense of fathers being home lots, doing their part to raise the kids, being aware of what their kids are doing and more importantly dads are wanting to do all this.  This is a cool trend.  But my confusion comes in as there are still regular reports, stories, and articles written about the poor state of fatherhood in our society.  How do we reconcile these two positions?

Well, a recent article (A Tale of Two Dads) done by Pew Research in the US gives us some thoughts.  One half of the equation is that when dads are in the home, they are doing more.  They are spending more time with their children, caring for their children, and looking after the day to day operations of the home.  This explains one half of my confusion because I see that in so many homes these days.  Dads who live with their children are more involved with them.

The other half of the equation is that there has been a steady rise in the number of children living without their fathers present.  This helps to explain the perspective that there is still a growing number of fathers who are not as invovled as their children need them to be.

The sum is that there is a growing gap between these two realities.  It is like the rich keep getting richer and the poor poorer.  The children who are rich in love and attention from the fathers are getting more and more of their fathers.  The children who are poor in love and attention from dad are receiving less and less of what they truly need.

Interesting.  Give the article a read.  Food for thought as we leave footprints along the path.

Questions Too Awkward for Dad to Ask

I recently came across an interesting article: “10 Awkward Questions Dads Want To Ask”.  I like the questions.  They are relevant and honest.   I wish the answers hadn’t been from moms.  That just reinforces the “mom is expert/dad is bone head” model of parenting too prevalent in our world.

I’d like to find out if there indeed questions that dad find too awkward to ask.  Now some of you may think there should be no question too awkward to ask, and at some level that is true.  But perhaps there is courage in admitting there are things that you aren’t sure about and are less sure about how to address them.

What is a question that you find too awkward to ask?

I’ll work on getting some answers out there.

Fatherhood: Random Act or Radical Art

Good fathering is not a random act, it is a radical art.  And any art worth anything comes from planning and practicing.

We plan for all kinds of things.  We plan for dinner parties, for business ventures, and for our retirement.  Every February I need to book our campsite for July – we need to plan our holidays well before they come.  But how often do we consciously plan our course as a father?  Do we take time to ask questions that will keep us on track?

• what are my priorities these days?
• is my time going to what is most important?
• how many minutes a day do I spend with my kids in good conversation?
• what does my wife say about my relationship with my kids?
• do I know everything I possibly can know about my kids?
• am I guiding my kids well?

Tough, but important questions.

And it is useless to have a plan with no action.  So it is important to but that plan into practice.  Though we can be taught parenting skills, we don’t really get it until we experience the role of father.  Practicing is how we hone the skill into art.  We find our way of doing things, of interacting with our children, and of showing responsibility to our families.  And the results come in:

• our kids respond well to us
• our wives are more content with our relationship
• we become more competent as a parent

Being a “good dad” takes effort and practice – it is an art.  There is nothing random about it.  I am just so thankful that I have daughters who are patient with me as I’m honing this skill.

Dad’s Guide to Diaper circa 1968

For all those new dads who use the classic cloth diaper, I came across the great description of diapering from the “early days”:

Spread the diaper in the position of the diamond with you at bat.  Then fold second base down to home and set the baby on the pitcher’s mound.  Put first base and third together, bring up home plate and pin the three together.  Of course, in case of rain, you gotta call the game and start all over again.  ~Jimmy Piersal, on how to diaper a baby, 1968

And now it all makes sense!

Dads Count 2011 – the final days

Well, we are in the home stretch for the Dads Count 2011 conference in Toronto.  This year’s theme is The Stuff of Fatherhood.  We will be looking at what it takes to be the man our children need.

Workshops such as The Work of Men, How to Have a More Supportive Sex Life, Family Budgeting, You’re Still Dad, and Communicating with Kids will give us a chance to discuss what our children need from us.

Speakers include Dalton Higgins, Brett Ullman, Owen Williams, Alan Walker, Patrick Mahoney, and Barry Lillie.

Check out all the details at www.dadstoday.org.

 

Fathering is Not a Popularity Contest

I love Calvin and Hobbes.  Mr. Watterson gets the 6 year old mind better than most child psychologists.  I am sure there are times in most of our fathering lives where we are not the most popular person in their eyes.  We make decisions they disapprove of.  We expect them to eat the brusselsprouts they just can’t stand.  We take their sister’s side of the argument.  But fathering is not a popularity contest.  It is a life-long commitment to what is best for your child.

Does it matter to you, what your approval rating is?

If we are looking for our kid’s approval we are going to make some very key mistakes.

• We will cave in on boundaries we have set.  And when we do this, children will eventually learn that enough tugging on the leg or whining for the cookie will get what they want.
• We will feel overwhelmed and frustrated with their demands.  And if this is how we feel, we can start to see their behaviour as attempts to manipulate us.
• We may lose control of our temper.  I suppose we all have a threshold of what we can handle.  If we are not aware of that threshold, we may do something that we will regret.
• We will be more friend than father.   Friends focus on how much someone likes them.  They do things for each other so that they continue to be friends.  Fathers treat their children with dignity and respect regardless of how the child feels.  This is love: sticking by someone for their own good, regardless of what they may do or say.  Friends may come and go.  Children need a father who will be there for life.

Kids may not like the boundaries we are setting, but it is not important that they like what we are expecting from them.  It is most important that they learn that dad has their best interest at heart when the boundary is set.  And how do we do that?

• Dads need to be respectful in the way limits are set (not demanding, coercive, or manipulating).
• Dads need to have consistency.  Though we need to be flexible and adapt to our changing children, children need their dad to keep the rules, expectations, and consequences relatively the same.
• Dads need to give clear guidelines.  No guess-work for the kids.  They need to know what to expect.

So how popular are you with your kids?  For the most part, probably pretty popular.  Just remember that there will be times (some short, some long) where you may not be that popular – where your popularity may be slipping in the polls.  My suggestion:  take a good hard look at what your child is not happy about.  Does he have a point?  Is there any truth to her feelings about you?  If so, make some adjustments.  But be as consistent as you can.  It is good for your kids, and it’s good for you.

And if I remember, I’ll share the story about the playground sometime.